You know you are a farmer when:

Getting up at 7am is a lie-in

You've run over your own cat in a tractor

When someone says they live on an estate you think of fields and woods rather than a barratts development

You tut tut at people in tesco buying danish bacon and french bread

You don't sit down to a single hot meal in August

You fall asleep within 3 minutes of sitting down in front of the tv

Your sun tan ends just above the elbow in the summer

You've had a live lamb in your aga

You get more letters from DEFRA than you do from friends and family

You only take the kids to the seaside when it rains

You can't drive along a road anywhere in britain without studying everyone else's crops and livestock

There are small heaps of grain outside the back door of the house every summer

Drilling does not mean putting holes through interior walls

Dress sense means cutting down on nitrogen applications

Your 4x4 actually goes off road

You get frustrated by people calling straw "hay"

Your ideal holiday is to visit other peoples farms

Your hands look like they are made with the same material as your boots

Your bag on your hoover is full of grain from july to september

The faint (but agreeable) smell of diesel never leaves you

Your most valued possession is your penknife

A lamb follows the children into the kitchen and no one thinks it is unusual

You confidently walk arround the supermarket in wellies

Your lawn includes hundreds of cattle hoof prints

You open a bale and discover an old mobile phone or wallet

© Iain MacNicol